Who Cares for the Caregiver?

I would venture to guess that every single day, just by virtue of our role as parents, we accomplish many small, and at other times big, acts of self-sacrifice. Some days we may feel the sting of it, and other days we may feel the joys of it. But what happens when the sting of self-sacrifice becomes an everyday occurrence and we feel ourselves bogged down by feelings of self-disregard and neglect?

Not surprisingly, many parents, men and women alike, feel pushed out of their own lives. It’s not just about space either. Adults who care for children have a need for care themselves. They also have desires, loves and interests beyond their children. They must learn to live with relentless interruption (call teacher, buy soccer shoes, defrost meat, take kids to dentist). Figuring out just how to care for others yet still sustain oneself – in all the detail and broader ethical and spiritual consequences- has important faith-forming implications for adults and for the children for whom we care.

Maybe the airlines have caught the flavor of the Jewish and Christian mandate to love the other as oneself better than religious traditions have.

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or others near you.

Sacrifice does not rule out self-love. In fact, parents should not be ashamed of the self-interest that accompanies their love. They do better to admit and even affirm the needs they harbor for pleasure and gratification. To acknowledge that we need to give love to our children and to receive their love as well is healthier for all concerned than disguising an offer of love as a “sacrifice” for which they should be grateful. Ultimately, any moment of self-disregard must rest on a bedrock of self-regard, respect, and mutual reliance.

So I would ask you as the author does, do you commit your daily sacrifices, whether for your children or spouse or others, willingly and by choice or is it by force? What’s your motivation – is it “by fear, or genuine love and faithfulness?” Does the sacrificial loss actually count as a gain in some deeper way and enrich life rather than destroy it? Does sacrifice, in essence, remain in service of a greater mutuality and abundant life? Does it lead to more just and loving relationships? Ultimately, do your sacrifices benefit the family as a whole including yourself? This does not mean that all sacrificial acts are joyful and rewarding for the one doing the sacrificing, however one must take into account the consequence of the sacrifice and see if it is beneficial in the long run. Do your sacrificial actions give life to your family unit or drain life from it? It is essential that your sacrifices in parenting (as well as all aspects of life) are shared by others such as your spouse, and that prayer remains your most well-used tool.

Crystal

P.S. This topic reminds me of a blog entry posted on 11/01/06 titled “J-O-Y”. Feel free to go back and read it to discover one vital way of sustaining ourselves. Also see “How to Avoid Mother Burn-Out” posted by Erin on 02/13/07.

All green script comes from Chapter 5 of In the Midst of Chaos by Bonnie J. Miller-McLemore.