You Are Here

It's been a long while.  A long time since I've written on this blog.  A long while that I've had time to even think about writing or reading a blog.  My life is so busy right now, and I'm just now getting an inkling as to what everyone-else-I've-ever-looked-at-cross-eyed-because-they-were-too-busy-to-live-life feels like. I know this is a temporary season, but it's the season I'm smack-dab in the middle of right now.  The frenetic schedule and energy needed for it is actually quite addicting as life is constantly changing around me in a swirling frenzy.

Knee-deep in homeschooling while simultaneously getting one of my children off to school and picked up every day is an interesting dichotomy for us.  Living in this tiny house with too many bodies wears thin and seems to become more suffocating with each year that passes. But I'm finding joy and contentment in the little things, if you can call them 'little'.  Sending my kindergartner to school has had surprising results like making me again feel connected to this unbelievable community I was so recently ready to pack up and move away from without a second thought. (We really do live in one of the best towns in the whole of NH, in my humble opinion.)  Meeting new people in our neighborhood due to various circumstances has made me actually cherish our previously-loathed location on our "fixer-upper" street surrounded by lovely (i.e. well-to-do) houses in the historic district of town.  Yes, we literally live on the wrong side of the tracks.  In a neighborhood where the most common vernacular consists of four-letter words and where heavy metal/rap is the preferred music carried on the wind, we have recently heard worship music belted out of our next door neighbor's window.  I believe that is a definite first.

God's way can be a tough way, a narrow way, a hard-to-swallow way, but it is always a way full of Hope.  I know God is with us, and He will not abandon or forsake us in this little house on this little street.  Because no matter the issues we have with this house, He is here.  Living among us.  And from the beginning of our house hunting, I've always said that I would rather stay here with Him forever than move forward without Him.

But.  It is still sometimes so hard.

I feel stretched at times in trying to keep house, never mind fitting everyone into this house.  I'm seriously starting to feel like the old woman who lived in a shoe with her ten children.  My creativity has reached its limits with storage solutions, and my children sleep on mats on the floor because there is no room for beds.  And yet, He is here.  Our back yard is perfect for our toddler but not so much for three bigger boys who want to roam and run and play ball.  We have two tiny closets in the entire house to hold seven people's clothes.  Yet He is here and whispers that we have too many clothes.  Our fridge is a fairly small one in order to fit in the space allotted for it and so come winter, we sigh with relief that we can use our grill outside to hold food.  Yet He reminds us we are lucky to have so much food.  When it's laundry day and my kitchen and living room is full of clothes because our washing machine and dryer openly reside in our kitchen, my God reminds me that my neighbors still have to run to the laundromat a mile or two away in order to wash their clothes.  When I look at our house and see all the S-T-U-F-F we have (even after our many purges), I ask myself whom I'm serving - God or Mammon?  And He gently reminds me He's better than all this stuff. He's better than any house anywhere.  He is here.

So if I were to look at one of those maps that indicates "You Are Here" and be tempted to think "But I don't want to be here!", I would be remiss to not take notice of the fine print that says "God Is Here".  And why would I ever want to move away from that very spot?  When God moves, we'll move.

God's way is a hopeful way.  God help me to remember that every time I trip over my laundry or my children!

We All Fall Down

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

It's been a whole month since my last posting, and I've actually been missing having something to say. I feel as though my voice has been lost this season as this has been one of the worst winters on record for our family's health. Since January, there has been sickness in the house. I'm talking about stuffy and runny noses, headaches, stomach bug, blocked sinuses and even bouts of vertigo. We're dealing with constant lack of sleep, missed appointments, canceled meetings, cabin fever and more snow this winter than I've seen since I was 4 years old (do you remember those winters from your childhood where the snow piles were bigger than you?). Not to mention the other huge piles of white laying around the house - tissues. Too bad we don't have stock in Puffs Plus because I bet, even with this awful economy, they're still making huge profits! With the exception of one week off here and there, I myself have been sick the most. As the mom, I am exposed to every virus that walks in here. My lack of sleep and the overall modus operandi of typical mother martyrdom has taken a toll on my body and my mental state. I'm not writing this simply to complain but to convince myself that Spring truly is around the corner. That there is always hope.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 1:24

Chronic sickness chips away at our mental faculties as much as our physical bodies. Our spiritual lives may become a bit stagnant as the only thing we have energy for is prayers of restoration to God. Church is not attended much anymore not only because of how we're feeling, but because I'm wondering what other germs can be caught while we're there? If there is space for doing daily devotions, it becomes rote and somewhat burdensome. After all, I'm missing out on what - an extra 15-25 minutes of desperately-needed sleep? And whose mind can easily understand the spiritual truths laid out before them with brain fog and tissues stuck permanently up their nose? Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit and His invisible hand working and directing in our minds and spirits even when we're not fully aware. Yes, indeed...this has been a bad winter.

Sickness has not only made me weak, it has humbled me. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired is not a fun place to be, and it reminds us of our frailty and mortality. It also becomes very frustrating for the ones who are left to care for everyone else. My husband is a dear man with a sensitive spirit and a warm heart, a man who doesn't balk at changing diapers, is a great cook and regularly encourages me to take care of myself. But every person has their limits, and my husband will be the first to admit he doesn't do very well taking care of the sick and needy. My husband can probably count on his hands how many times he's been sick in his entire life. One can't have much empathy for something which one doesn't have much experience. One day a few weeks ago, he asked me if the nausea he was experiencing was how I felt when I was going through morning sickness with my last three pregnancies. He couldn't imagine how one goes through that on a daily basis throughout pregnancy. Welcome to my life, honey! It's hard to feel less pathetic though when one is constantly weak and tired, unable to satisfactorily fulfill the role of mother and wife.

As Spring heralds its weak arrival (it's 36 degrees out today), I cling to the hope of warmer weather, better health and happiness. It's hard to be content in these circumstances, and I marvel at Paul's resignation, nay joy, in his own thorn in the side (II Cor. 12:7). It seems when it comes to hope, many times the Bible refers to waiting for it.

• I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." Lamentations 3:24
• It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:26
• There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Psalm 23:18
• Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Psalm 24:14
• Wait on the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14
  
• But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25
• For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ. Titus 2:11-13

I know my sufferings are trivial compared to others. After all, I'm only speaking about a cold virus and, Superbug that I think it may be, it is not lupus, cancer, mental illness, heart disease or any number of true chronic illnesses. I have not lost a loved one recently, and my family is intact. Others have gone through and are going through real tragedies where the slimy pit, mud and mire of sorrow, anxiety and depression are daily realities. God knew this world is quite hopeless and that we would not find much hope within it. So though I long for Spring to come and health to return, my real hope needs to be in God, my salvation. Otherwise, my hope is in vain, and my soul cannot be satisfied with any other help. Even when I don't have the strength to set my feet on the ground, may I find the strength to praise Him with my lips.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalm 40:1-3a