My daughter is the one who found this story and shared it with me. After just reading it and with tears in my eyes, I feel compelled to share it also with you.
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself
in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall
covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that
list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which
stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction,
had very different headings.
As I drew near the
wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I
Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly
shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I
was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a
detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with
horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their
content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and
regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was
watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends
I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright
weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told,"
"Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some
were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My
Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My
Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents."
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more
cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I
had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write
each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this
truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I
Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents.
The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found
the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music,
but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful
Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only
an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its
detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought
dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see
this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file
out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I
took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a
single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as
strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file
to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long,
self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared
the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer,
almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three
inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one
hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so
deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my
knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.
The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever
know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No,
please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files
and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I
could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He
seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the
room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't
anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry
again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many
things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of
files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one,
began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I
could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His
name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so
dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile
and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it
so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and
walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is
finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There
was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
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"The Room" by Joshua Harris. Copyright
New Attitude, 1995. You have permission to share. We only ask that you include
this copyright byline and do not alter the content.
