Six Loves Lost

Life-size replica of his feet

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Month. In any typical year, I'd post those reminders/memes on my fb page without a thought. I'd do it because it would be my way of remembering the five babies I've lost in the past 15 years due to early pregnancy miscarriages. But all those babies, though their loss saddened me, were vague notions of a human being to me. I never saw their face, I never held them, I never even officially named them. I knew they existed in eternity as much as I did in this world. I knew one day I would know them and know their name. But to me, it was the loss of their future in my arms and in our family that saddened me, not so much the grief over their physical death. And then this year, everything changed.

 I found out I was pregnant again not long after the New Year. Just when I had signed up for a gym membership and even purchased extra personal training sessions (I would be getting back in shape this year, dangit!), I found out I was pregnant. Call it Murphy's Law, but every time I have committed to going on some diet or joining some gym or feeling like maybe there are new adventures or a new direction I can take, pregnancy hits me like a humorous, ironic and fateful force. A reminder that this life is not my own, and I am not in control. So a year and a half after my previous miscarriage, here I was again wondering what was in store for me and this little one.

 Week after week went by with no clue as to what was going on in there, what was going to happen. Finally, I had an ultrasound scheduled around 11 weeks. Pretty much right around the time I usually miscarried. I hadn't allowed myself to be emotional and even accept the pregnancy until I saw that little beating heart on the dark screen. Here was my child, still healthy, still moving around, still growing. I went out to my car holding the sonogram pictures in my hand and sat in my car and sobbed. I was going to have another baby! Finally acceptance. Finally hope. One month later, as I sat in bed early one morning unable to sleep, there was a pop and a gush. And just like that I lost him.

 Unlike every other miscarriage I'd had, this time I saw him. I saw his little face half covered by one perfect hand. I was struck by the details of him. His nose, his mouth, the little line across his chest that his diaphragm made. He was truly perfect in every way, and he was mine. But I would never hear his cry, never see his eyes open and never watch him grow. My heart shattered, and as I bled out the next few hours and days, it was if all my joy in life and hope in goodness flowed out as well. One week later when I could finally physically stand and walk again, we buried him in the pouring rain under our bleeding heart bush in the backyard. His coffin was a five inch box.

 My due date was in September two days after we closed on a new house. I was too busy to truly mourn, but I remembered. In the early days of October, probably about the time I would naturally have birthed him, my body remembered by dredging up nightmares of babies born and unborn. I awoke knowing deep down that this is when I would have had him. It was as if the very tissues and blood and genetic material in the depths of my body and mind remembered him and knew this would have been his time. I would have had another October baby.

 I will never be the same again. I will always carry around this sorrow that is a part of me now. And now that I've seen his face and held him, I know the love I have for him is the same love for all his brothers and sisters that have gone before him. When he entered eternity, they were there to welcome him. The first time he opened his eyes, he was able to view heaven. The arms that hold him now are Jesus' arms. And though my arms will always feel his void, he knows I know him and love him. And he knows his name.

Forever in my love, we miss you greatly, Matthias.

This is the one song that helped me get through this year. Most times, I sang it only able to mouth the words as tears streamed down, but my heart fully embraced, "Your Will be Done."  

Best of the Best for Any Expectant Mom

Almost two years ago, Kajiji Girls compiled a list of the most necessary items recommended for the expectant mom. In our small group, we came up with what we deemed as the "Best of the Best for Any Expectant Mom" list. Most of what's on the beginning of the list were my preferences, and then others added on. Since I've been asked to share it once again, I've decided to simply post it for all who may have interest. As always feel free to add to it in your comments section! Here goes...

Nursery

• Diaper Dekor plus and liners – I love this diaper pail!
• Huggies diapers or Target brand diapers.
• Seventh Generation diaper wipes – Has no chlorine or additives for being extra gentle on new baby’s bottom. Buy in bulk on Amazon.com and autoship for decent pricing.
• Sleep positioner/wedge - keeps baby on their back/side.
• Munchkin disposable changing pads – use during your outings and travels.
• BebeSounds Nasal Aspirator – a battery-operated aspirator to clear baby’s nose. Sounds ridiculous (and it is more of a luxury item, I'll admit), but it's much gentler on baby’s nose than a bulb syringe with a strong enough suction to help baby to breathe better.

Nursing

• Philips Avent Breast Pump – just as good if not better than an expensive electric pump (if you'll be staying at home, that is. If you'll be working, an electric pump will probably make the job much easier).
  
• Playtex bottles with disposable liners
• Boppy pillow
• Japanese Weekend Hug bra (nonsupportive & overnight bra)
• Bella Materna bras – expensive but worth it!
• Thermal breast gel packs such as BustBuddies – used for relief of engorgement.
• Washable breast pads – you may have to research these to find the best ones for you. There's pure wool pads with their natural healing properties of lanolin or moisture-wicking pads like the ones made by Bravado.
• "LilyPadz" - silicone, reusable nursing pads that help prevent leaking. They didn't work for me (Erin) until I wasn't engorged anymore, but then they worked like a charm and meant I didn't have to do as much laundry or use disposables.
• IF you are going to use formula at all, I (Erin) highly recommend making your own. Here's one recipe:
  

Goats Milk (babies can digest it easier than cow's -I used Myersburg)
A liquid pediatric multi vitamin like Liquid Peds
Evening Primrose Oil
Cod Liver Oil
(You can also find other great all-natural recipes for baby formula at the Real Milk website.)

.

Maternity Clothing & Stores

• One Hot Mama – not a large selection, but everything sold here is awesome!
• Old Navy & Gap - I bought most of my pg wardrobe from here.
• Bella Band - "the most versatile maternity accessory you'll ever need" - great from 1^st trimester until postpartum
  
• Maternity Mall – many maternity brands/stores at one site

Gear

• Swaddlers by Kiddopotamus (find at Babies R Us) or Miracle blanket (on Amazon.com) – no need for receiving blankets. These things are great and will allow baby to sleep more soundly.
• A sling like the New Native Baby Carrier – simplest and nicest carrier out there; just be sure to buy the right size and get some pointers on their website. I know other KGs prefer different slings...
  
• Bundle Me by J.J. Cole – perfect for infant car seats & strollers – no need for a bulky jacket or suit in cold weather!
• Britax car seats – the best and safest car seats on the market.
• Baby swing/bouncy seat/exersaucer
• Doorway jumper (they now also sell these jumpers with a stand-alone frame – no need for a doorway.)
• Bumbo baby seat (great for when baby wants to sit up but isn't developmentally ready yet - makes them feel big and keeps them entertained for a bit)
• A baby back pack/carrier - for hiking or going anywhere where a stroller is impractical.
• A food grinder or blender - for making your own baby food.
• A co-sleeper or crib with a removable side and good, quality bungee cords - this creates your own bedside sleeper so that you don't have to get out of bed for nighttime feedings, but keeps the baby out of your own bed.

Resources

• Mothering magazine – Forget Parents. This magazine will open your eyes to much better all-natural mothering than anything out there!

• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin - my #1 recommendation of all time (get this book!!)
  

• Great with Child by Debra Rienstra – amazing, spiritually poetic, thought-provoking account of one woman's journey through pregnancy
  
• Your Pregnancy Week by Week by Glade B. Curtis & Judith Shuler
• The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League – I learned new things about nursing from this book even after nursing three babies!
• 100,000+ Baby Names by Bruce Lansky – This book has every name imaginable plus their meanings! I was actually able to find all of my kids’ names (with correct spelling!) in this book. Found it at Wal-Mart.
• The Baby Book or The Pregnancy Book by Dr. Sears - (stay far, far away from the What to Expect... series!)
  
• “Prep for Parenting” video series by Growing Families International

Health

• Arnica – Hands down the best miracle cream for bumps, bruises, strains, etc. Good for everyone in the house! It comes in cream or oral tablets for adults for internal pain. Take internally for the two weeks before labor, and it will help with the physical effects of labor and postpartum.
• Perineal cold compress – If the hospital does not supply these to you for the first 24 hours after birth, bring your own!! These unbelievable instant cold compresses are a cross between a maxi pad and an ice pack. They feel absolutely amazing for your soreness!
• Lansinoh cream (lanolin) – Essential for sore nipples during the first couple weeks of nursing and anytime thereafter.
• Gripewater – Heard this is a necessity for when baby has gas or colic.
• Hair powder, spray-on or dry shampoo - for those times when a shower is impossible but you don’t want to look like you haven’t showered. Can be found on Amazon.com
• Chocolate Mint Zone bars – Kim swears by these to help with morning sickness.
• Witch Hazel and an analgesic spray such as Dermoplast - After an episiotomy, you may need some relief. Also use the peri-bottle (you'll receive after delivery) filled with warm water in order to urinate comfortably.

Tips:

• Take care of yourself!!
• Wear comfortable slip-on shoes in the later stages of pg and after delivery.
  
• Take advantage of the free lactation consultations.
• Check baby’s tongue to make sure he/she is not tongue-tied. This can interfere with nursing, and it’s extremely quick and easy to take care of.
• Get plenty of fiber after birth.
• Research vaccinations & circumcision.
• Find a MOPS group near you (at local churches) or come to Kajiji Girls! ;-)
  
• Cook meals ahead and freeze.
• Do your dreaded Kegel exercises – they really work!
• Buy the softest, most luxurious bath towels (Marshall’s or TJ Maxx) to use when your nipples are extremely sore during pregnancy and in the postpartum period while learning to nurse – it makes all the difference in the world!
• Use cold cabbage leaves on your breasts to relieve the pain of engorgement.
• Sore nipples require air drying right after feeding and then immediately apply lanolin gel for between feedings.

*All links included here were working as of 12/30/09. I cannot guarantee they will be working anytime in the future.