How to Avoid Mother Burn-Out

My dear ladies-

I recently read the following excerpt in a commentary on 1^st Peter. The author was talking about pastors, but had previously stated all could be said of parents as well. As I read along, it really resonated with me as I see my service to my husband, children and home as my ministries, and certainly with my children, I serve as a pastor of sorts. Read along. Wherever necessary I changed words to reflect our positions as mothers and placed those in brackets. My behind-the-scenes thoughts are in blue.

At times we need to go through the typical technique of “cold turkey obedience.” That is, we get up and go about our [child-rearing and home management] even when we do not want to just because God has called us to do a certain task. [Italics author’s] It is not unusual for a [mother] to awake some morning, perhaps not irregularly, and face the day with the wish that something else were to be done. Instead, that [mother] can take time with God and ask him for the courage of obedience to do the tasks of ministry in spite of a lack of passion about it.

Further, what [mothers] need most is the constant stimulation that causes growth and development in their own lives. You cannot give to others if you are dried up yourself. Stimulation comes from spiritual disciplines, personal relationships, and physical rest. This is what Kajiji’s is all about. Let’s all contribute some ideas on how Kajiji’s can meet these needs more and more. Here are some of mine: Practice some of the spiritual disciplines together – like fasting, meditation, prayer… Have some of our weekly discussion times be centered on getting to know each other and deepening our friendships. Have a spa session where we do pedicures and facials, maybe even bring in a massage therapist and take turns! [Mothers] have a pattern of overworking themselves and [families], unfortunately, are good at exploiting those tendencies. [Mothers] need to feed themselves by reading new and interesting materials (do you all know about our book club?), by finding other [mothers] with whom they can share their lives (both joys and frustrations), by praying and meditating so they can deepen their knowledge and experience of God, by attending retreats and conferences (do you all know about our Family Enrichment Weekend coming up in April??) that will challenge them to new and deeper ministries [both in the home and out], and by investing their time in the love and joy that comes from their families [and friends]. [Mothers] also need to take time off – weekly, quarterly, and annually. When they work too hard, they lose their joy for [marriage, parenting, and home management] and their willingness to serve.

Ok Ladies – time to fess up! How frequently do you get time off? What are the obstacles that keep you from having time for yourself? Are you willing to have accountability or work with someone to brainstorm how to make this happen? In what ways are you your biggest enemy in this regard? I have to say, I recognize in my own life the destructive cycle of poor-self care and it poisons not only me, but my entire family as well. The saying “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” is TRUE, at least in this house! If I want to provide my best to my husband and children, taking time for me is mandatory. Non-negotiable. Imperative. So, why don’t I do it as regularly as I should? Hmmm. Why don’t you?

After hearing about Susan's activities fast last week, this seems like a great time for us to tackle this topic together. I hope you will consider joining me for some discussion in this regard. (Discussion, by the way, can happen on this blog, on a Friday gathering, or over a Java Chip Frappuchino… the options are endless!)

Here’s to chattin’ with you!

Erin

Fasting from activity

Crystal invited me to share with the group my experience in fasting from activity which I did for a few weeks last summer; she felt it seemed to fit well with the simplicity theme that has been the recent focus of the Kajiji Girls. What follows is my description of this experience, and at Friday's meeting Crystal has asked me to lead a discussion on this topic.
Blessings, Susan Arico


In the middle of August, 2006, I hit a wall. I had had six weeks of fun, exciting, wonderful, nonstop summer adventures that included travel, R&R, friendship, time with family, and the like. What it didn’t include was virtually any quiet time – with God or even on my own. When the last of the visitors left and my ‘normal life’ was on the cusp of resuming… I had a mini breakdown.

Journaling that day, I recorded that I felt a) exhausted, b) depressed, c) overwhelmed, d) alone, and e) fearful. I also noted that I didn’t like myself and felt unliked by others. I realized that all of these emotions and feelings were things I had brought onto myself by overextending myself significantly, but knowing this didn’t make me feel a bit better.

What made me feel worse was the fact that I had been in this place before. A lot. Different circumstances and events, different breaking points, maybe not the exact same end-result emotions… But close enough. This was a recurring pattern in my life. I would go, go, go, go, go, loading myself up (most often with good, exciting things that I wanted to be involved in) – and then eventually I would crash. After crashing I’d take a step back, catch my breathe, apply a few administrative and time-management tricks to my schedule, tell myself I’d try harder to over-do it less… and within months, I’d be back in the same place.

I was tired of it. And sitting alone with God making my list of how awful I felt, I realized that God was tired of it too. What good was I doing to either one of us? “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose his very self?” (Luke 9:25)

What I had to do, I decided, was get to the bottom of what was bringing me back to this place again and again. Why was I addicted to over-scheduling my life and taxing myself so heavily? What was driving me? How could I stop? I didn’t know the answers to these questions, but I did know that I had never really asked them deliberately before, and I had never tried to press into them to find the answers. Also I knew that God had the answers.

To force myself to take a bigger step back and take this nascent effort seriously, I decided to fast for two weeks. Fast not by using food, though, but fast by using time. The thing I needed to abstain from was not eating, but doing. For activity was what had a hold on my life, I realized – it was my driving force. Activity and productivity were my idols… not food, so an activity fast was the logical step. The free time this type of fast would grant me would enable me to make good on the commitment I made to God (while rehearsing my litany of woe during my wall-hitting moment) to seek Him, wait on Him, and make space for Him to meet me.

The “activities fast” began the next day. Basically it meant that I would not put any new appointments on my calendar that didn’t need to be there. The ones that were already there – a Bible study, a doctor’s appointment, a few work commitments, church – could stay. The point was not to be legalistic, just proactive. In essence, through the activities fast, I said to myself: “you will not take on any new activities for two weeks. You will keep quiet days and deliberately spend free time with God.” I did not watch any TV and I limited my reading in order to prioritize open space of mind and heart – and time to hear from God.

So for two weeks, I backed out of ‘normal life.’ I took a lot of long walks with my son in his jogging stroller. During his naps, I sat on the porch with the Bible and a journal and spent unharried time in the Word and in prayer.

It was a wonderful and fruitful time. I felt balanced and centered by the end of it. I felt grounded in God.

One of the main things I discovered was that I knew nothing of peace (inner peace, I mean, not the absence of armed conflict.) I had long known that productivity was an idol of mine and sought to fight it… but I had not made the connection between over-active life and lack of peace. During my fast, God made this connection clear. I saw that ‘peace’ was a word that I had pretty much ignored throughout my life.. Here it is, third fruit of the spirit – following only love and joy – and I basically didn’t know what it meant… let alone how to live it out.

So, in some of the free time my activities fast won me, I did a Bible-wide study on peace. I found that it means “total well-being and inner rest of spirit, in fellowship with God.”[1] This state of being is my inheritance as a child of Christ’s – and yet I have not acknowledged this inheritance. Worse, I have implicitly rejected it. It was this situation that God empowered me to explore, acknowledge, and repent of during my activities fast.

At one point during the fast, I was sitting quietly on our porch when my husband, who had been jogging, came up the driveway. “What’s wrong?” he called out as he approached. “Nothing; why?” I replied. “I just never see you sitting doing nothing,” he replied. “I figured something must be wrong.” That moment was a wake-up call for me. I do not want to be that woman, the peaceless one who never sits still – and God wants it even less than I do. That one moment was a picture of what God was doing for me and in me during my fast; He was allowing me to see myself more clearly, calling me to repentance, and teaching me how to live a godlier life. And a more pleasant fulfilling life, since (as I learned during my fast) peace and joy go hand in hand[2].

[1] NIV Study Guide, Zondervan
[2] Romans 14;17, 15:13